COS News Bites: Silence is Golden

Moment of Silence for Sept. 11th

In memory of Sept. 11th President Obama was silent for an entire 30 seconds. In an interview afterword Dick Cheney said that he appreciates it but his preference would be that Obama extend the silence indefinately... "in the interest of the 9/11 victims as well as the ongoing safety of the entire free world."

COS News Bites: 9.09.09

Karzai Declared Winner of Afghan Election but the World is Troubled by the Vote Count

Specifically election watchdogs are trying to understand why Paula Abdul (popstar) received 30,000 votes in the Afghan election. Paula Abdul was available for comment but was incomprehensible.

Favre Fined For Being an Idiot

In an obvious effort to appear not as retired, Brett Favre chop blocks an elderly woman, Merna Wilson, on the way to the deli counter at the supermarket. The retired woman, saw where Favre was going and started running around the left side of the counter in Favres direction. Despite that he was already holding a rack of ribs, the quarterback crouched and threw his body at Wilson's legs to cut her down. Favre was sent to the back of the line. "Really, what was up with that?" Wilson said at the counter when asked about the block.

The President Addresses School Children

Having given up already on adult Americans, President Obama told children today to study hard, set goals, accept personal responsibility, and pray really hard or you will end up like your parents.

COS News Bites: 8.31.09

Green Shoots Begin to Dissappear
Having consumed all the available "green shoots", the US consumer is now turning to backyard chickens. There is nothing quite like walking outside in the morning to gather fresh eggs for your breakfast!





Inclusion Of Desert Tortoise In Endangered Species List Sought

Arizona Sonoran Desert Tortoise's feel threatened by soccer moms. In their petition, the tortoise's complain that their habitat gets backed over by SUVs and that they have to dig around for tiny morsels between empty Starbuck's Venti Carmel Machiato cups.




Larry Fitzgerald Agrees to Play Without Expensive Equipment to Ensure Return of Teammate Anquan Boldin

"I want to make it very clear I will do everything I can to keep him in Arizona. I'll dive over opponents without my jockstrap if I have to" says Fitzgerald. This move is supposed to ease the Cardinals' salary cap crunch, however, it's unclear how much it will actually help.










Southern Madigascar Overtaken by Angry Lemurs The mob of angry leumrs consumed even more territory in the last 24 hours, but for the first time in a week of losing ground to the lemurs people today expressed optimism that their efforts to appease the lemurs with chinese takeout were having an effect. Dietrich downgraded the lemurs as no longer "angry," but "cranky."






Disney Buys Marvel
As a result of a their acquisition by Disney, Captain America and Spiderman are forced to use their super powers to amuse children.

COS News Bites: 8.29.09

N Korean ‘arms ’ Seized by United Arab Emirates

The UAE has seized a ship secretly carrying embargoed North Korean arms to Iran, say diplomats. UAE reported the ship was carrying 10 containers of arms severed off at various locations and angles. Some were cut off at the elbow, others at the shoulder, and some were not even arms, just hands. An UAE official said while a shipment of this nature is scary, the arms were at least small. Still, the arms had to be seized due to a ban on shipping arms to Iran.

A Reluctance to Spend May Be a Legacy of the Recession

Note to economists and corporate executives- most Americans are broke. A reluctance to spend may be a legacy of having no money.

Karzai Says he Really Dislikes the ‘Real Housewives’ Reality Show to Gain Favor With Afghans

As American concerns mount about reports of widespread electoral fraud in Afghanistan, President Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan is portraying himself as the candidate willing to stand up to the Real American Dream.

Amid Hiring Freeze, Candidates Are Really Glad They Were Not Hired Into These Places

About 1,800 teaching jobs in New York City remain open as principals appear to be resisting orders to fill vacancies with qualified people who are paid too little for what they do. Meanwhile children are tying up the remaining teachers.

Shuttle Discovery Blasts Off to Space Station

In a last ditch effort to regain public attention for space, the shuttle is carrying Simon Cowell, the entire Roloff family, several former Biggest Loser contestants (who lost), 2 UFC fighters, several co-eds picked out randomly from “Spring Break Cancun 2009”, and Jon from Jon and Kate Plus 8. Suits were designed on Project Runway. Crew will be taking advantage of the weightless environment to conduct a variety of experiments. The ship was also carrying 10 containers of weapons and related items, including rocket-propelled grenades and ammunition.

COS News: World Updates 8.22.09

World Bankers Are Looking at Shaquille O’Neill, Primarily For His Ability to Rebound

Bankers admire Shaqs uncanny ability to box people out and steal things from thin air. Also Analysts estimate he only has a few years left in the NBA so they may be able to pick him up cheap.

Professor Proposes New Tests for Washington

Giving up on judgment and leadership, Dr. James Alt is trying to build a test that will search for evidence that these people are not inclined to a chinchilla-ish urge to have sex with anything nearby. “It could be genetic”

Taliban Can’t Figure Out Why Their Printer is no Longer Working

We told it to not jam. It jammed. I used my sword on it. Praise be to Allah.

Midwest Saved From Foreclosure by Poor Recordkeeping After the Louisiana Purchase

The French hoped to recover from "the worst business deal ever" by foreclosing on the entire Midwestern United States and reselling it to Saudi Arabia for mere dollars on the Euro. However, there is a loophole- French historians can't find the orginal note from the Louisiana Purchase.

COS News: World Updates 8.20.09

Chinese Government Changing Terms of US Credit
The Federal Reserve received a letter in the mail today stating that the Chinese Government is decreasing Bernanke’s line of credit and increasing his interest rate because of information found on a recent credit report (effective in 45 days). They included a phone number to obtain a free copy of the report so we can see what he did wrong.

European Socialists Reject Obama

Obama is beginning to lose popularity among European Socialists. Obama is widely criticized for “ruining the concept of socialism”. Furthermore he may be alienating his base by polarizing a two party electoral system, while trying to maintain a government with: separation of powers, separation of church and state, and independent financial oversight. Is Obama doing too much?

Obama Proposes Stalin Health Care Plan to Compete With Private Insurers

Finally coming forward with a clear healthcare proposal, Obama cites efficiencies in Joseph Stalin’s health care system. Some have suggested that 60 million people were murdered under Stalin’s rule, however there is disagreement about the numbers and no consensus about how many actually could die in America under the new system.

God Implements Pay as You go

After speaking with economists, God says he "regrets the whole Jesus thing", and institutes pay for sins as you go program. Fundamentally economists and God believe that the only way to decrease sinning is to make everyone pay for their own sins. “The actions of people in recent history demonstrate the system is fundamentally broken. We need to get the incentives right.” God.

Robert Novak Grills Saint Peter About What he Did With The Keys

Very few people remember, understand, or even care about, the importance of the key story, which is why Novak is pursuing it now in heaven.*

*Recall Matthew 16:19 “And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.”

COS News: World Updates 8.17.09

Feds Say Man Stole 127 Million More Credit Cards Than he Needed

Albert Gonzalez, 28, of Miami, Florida, is accused of stealing data involving more than 130 million credit cards, which experts say is 127 million more credit cards than any one person should safely have in their possession.

90 Percent of U.S. Bills Carry Traces of Dead Presidents

Research presented this weekend reinforced previous findings that 90 percent of paper money circulating in U.S. cities contains faces of dead presidents. In addition, the bills contain traces of fecal matter, cocaine, and evidence from the Monica Lewinsky scandal.

Leonardo DeCaprio Secretly Admires Bill O'Reilly’s Ability to Deceive With no Apparent Guilt

On Monday DeCaprio admitted, “Truthfully, I watch him nightly." "I admire his ability to deceive the audience while expressing absolutely no subconscious guilt through his facial muscles." The ability to deceive the audience is a quintessential skill for actors, particularly when playing a villain. DecCaprio added, "He is no Anthony Hopkins but I would put him right up there with a like a Gargamel.”

Denis Kucinich is Allegedly Gaining on Hamid Karzai in Afghan Polls

Afghanistan goes to the polls on August 20 for presidential and provincial elections against a backdrop of social unrest. President Hamid Karzai is favorite to win against 35 challengers, but unless he secures more than 50 percent of the vote in the first round he faces a run-off against Kucinich who is well known for being kind of like a Jack Russell Terrier.

COS News: World Updates 8.16.09

City of Chicago Will be Holding a Bake Sale on Monday

The City of Chicago will basically be closed for business on Aug. 17, a reduced-service day in which most city employees are going to be on the streets selling baked goods, according to a release from the Office of Budget and Management. City Hall, public libraries, health clinics and most city offices will be closed.

To Promote Plan, Obama Talks About Not Killing His Own Grandmother

A cascade of commercials in the health care fight is helping to create a full-blown national political campaign.

Police: Car Led To Annoying iPod Crash

The accident happened at about 10:00 a.m. on Washington Avenue outside of downtown Phoenix . According to police, the driver lost control, crossed over two lanes of traffic and slammed into a parked car. The two cars had to be towed but the iPod actually was fine after a hard reboot.

Post Prison, Vick is Allowed to Hang Out With Philadelphia Eagles

Michael Vick, trying to rebuild his NFL career after serving prison time for running a dog fighting ring, attended practice Saturday with the Philadelphia Eagles. Wearing a white jacket and hat, Vick cooked lunch for the offense and started to perform a shoulder rub for Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb, before McNabb walked to the other side of the field.

Dick Cheney May Hit Gulf Coast Today

Parts of the Gulf Coast are under a Dick Cheney warning. A depression located about 75 miles south-southeast of Apalachicola, Florida, is forecast to be Dick Cheney himself. Oil prices are likely to head to higher ground

‘Horror on the Field’: Chad “Ochocinco” Spontaneously Combusts

A wide receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals, Chad “Cochocinco” spontaneously combusts after catching three passes Thursday in preseason practice. He caught the ball in the end zone then walked around engulfed in flames as shocked fans watched, authorities said. Two men and a woman who tried to help him were hurt, but not badly.

COS News: World Updates 8.12.09

Population of People Without Malls May Hit 6 Billion in 2011

The world's population is forecast to hit 7 billion in 2011, the vast majority of its growth coming in places that have no malls. A staggering 97 percent of global growth over the next 40 years will happen in places where they don’t even have one Borders or Barnes&Noble, according to the Population Reference Bureau.

Thousands of Food Industry Workers Line up Outside Hospitals For Promise of Health Care

Thousands get in a line almost as crazy as the last Santana concert in hope of getting into this health care thing.

Post Bankruptcy Analysis Reveals GM Was Destroyed by 4000 Spreadsheets

While pre-bankruptcy consensus was that GM was being held back by more than 73,000 overpaid unionized workers who built cars that 8,500 dealers actually tried to sell, post-bankruptcy analysis revealed that the real problem lie in over 4,000 spreadsheet that rendered no intelligent management sense whatsoever.

Bernanke Injects Himself With Caffeine, Despite Risks

Bernanke has presented the most upbeat assessment of the economy in more than a year, but behind the scenes, could this be the result of another stimulus package?

COS News: World Updates 8.10.09

U.S. to Hunt Down Berkeley Pot Users

U.S. drug enforcement say the addition of local Berkeley 420 traffickers to a “kill or capture” list is legal and a key part of a plan to disrupt the flow of drug money to the Taliban. If these guys get together with the Taliban drug lords and start to make A-Bombs we are screwed.

IN a BETTER WORLD: Marijuana Users Stage Smoke Out at Government Buildings Near Kabul

Airspace Above Jennifer Hudson a Highway With Few Signs

Calls for more government control of the congested skies above the Jennifer Hudson were reignited after a small paparazzi airplane collided with a sightseeing helicopter.

Effort to Rein in Pay on Wall Street Hits New Hurdle

The fact that minimum wage laws cannot be applied to executives underscores how difficult it is to control Wall Street pay, despite the public outcry over the subsidization of their system of life using of taxpayer money.

Mentally Ill Parents Strain Juvenile System

Cash-starved states are increasingly relying on the prison system to handle young offenders with mental illnesses, who were caused by parents with mental illnesses who were allowed to have children.

COS News: World Updates 8.8.09

Pandora Uses Algorithm to Find Mike West's Soul

The Internet music-streaming start-up Pandora confirmed that it has the algorithm to West's soul, according to Etienne Handman, head of Pandora Operations. Adding, "we can make him cry on command.”

Lawn Care Debate Turns Hostile at Town Hall Meetings

Chandler neighbors have been shouted down, hanged in effigy and taunted by crowds at town hall meetings on lawn care.

Iran Resumes Mass Trial of Activists and Protesters

Nearly the entire country stood trial in Tehran on charges of rioting and plotting to topple the ruling Islamic system, Iran’s state media reported.

5^th Grade Teacher Main Target of Assault on Twitter

The cyberattacks on popular Web services disrupted the lives of hundreds of millions of Internet users to get one mean teacher at North Park Elementary School.

Goldman Sachs $100 Million Trading Days Reach Record

Goldman--- "we can't stop trading. It is an addiction for us now."

COS News: World Updates 8.7.09

13 year Old Claims Responsibility For Missile Attack on Taliban Leader

Baitullah Mehsud, the leader of Pakistan’s Taliban, was killed Wednesday in a C.I.A. missile strike. American officials have not yet confirmed 13 year old Geoffrey Brown’s assertion that in a joint effort with the CIA he directed the strike from his Sony PlayStation 3.

Sotomayor Faces Heavy Workload of Diversity Cases

Actually kind of relieved by Sotomayor’s approval, other members of the Supreme Court plan to give new chief Justice Sonia Sotomayor all of the “diversity” cases.

Twitter Overwhelmed by Web Attack, New York Times Online Scoops The Story

The popular microblogging site crashed after unknown attackers flooded the site with data requests. New York Times claims they got this important story out first 30 seconds before everyone else. The entire article was 25 characters, “Twitter Down, We Win.” This is the first time since twitter started that the NYT was able to scoop an important story. Despite spotty twitter service, business appears to be continuing as usual, perhaps even more so? This entire summary is now 3X's too long to fit in a twitter post.

Paris Hilton Overwhelmed by Life Without Twitter, New York Times Follows With In Depth Coverage

Paris Hilton, “I’m bored.”

COS News: World Updates 8.5.09

Bill Clinton in Emotional Return to North Korea

There was a lot of crying at the airport when everyone realized Former President Bill Clinton had gotten the wrong journalists out of North Korea, and now he has to return.

People Unexpectedly Bought American Manufactured Products in June

Factory orders rose 0.4 percent in June, the fourth increase in five months, in the latest sign that people have no idea what is going on.

In His First Board Meeting in Over 50 Years G.M. Chairman Vows to Defend Market Share

Rip Van Winkle Jr. left no doubt that he would be pushing the management team hard to reverse G.M.’s decades-long slide.

COS News: World Updates 8.4.09

Ulysses S. Grant Marches Into Hell to Seek Release of U.S. Prisoners

Former President Ulysses S. Grant went to Hell to negotiate the release of two other dead American Presidents who were sentenced to an after-life sentence of hard labor.

Spurring Sales, Car Rebate Plan is Left Up in Air

Approval of more funding for the “cash for clunkers” program took a step forward as it won the support of Martin Sheen and Paris Hilton, who had earlier criticized the plan.

Fears of “2000 All Over Again” Cast Pall Over Afghan Election

Many Afghans remain doubtful that the person with the most votes will be elected.

New York Cabbies Continue To Disregard Commonly Held Values of Hygiene

Simple rules of hygiene have been in place for New York City cab drivers for a decade, but the rules remain almost entirely unenforced.

Happy Birthday, President Obama

Shh, the entire Senate Democratic Caucus is planning a surprise birthday party for President Obama, who turns 48 today. They still need some help with streamers, and can someone else pick up some ice?

COS News: World Updates 8.3.09

Two Sides Take Health Care Debate to the Football Field to Decide Once And For All

Democrats are counting on Warner and Fitzgerald to turn up the offensive heat, while Republicans are picking up the entire Pittsburgh Steelers defensive unit.

In What Might Some Day be Thought Of As a Brilliant Tactical Move, Venezuela Aids Its Developing Pharmaceutical Industry, New Material Shows

Despite denials by President Hugo Chávez, Venezuelan officials have continued to help its largest drug lords disproportionately relative to “established” foreign pharmaceutical products, according to new evidence.

Lack of People Willing to Volunteer to Get Cancer May Hobble Cancer Fight

In the war on cancer, a major hurdle involves finding people willing to become cancer patients so the drug companies can do clinical trials.

On Governor’s Race, Cuomo Plays Game of Scrabble

Associates say that Andrew M. Cuomo has begun to stockpile Ps, Ts, and vowels.

New Study Shows That Phoenix Arizona’s Global Warming is a Dry Heat

Phoenicians claim that their global warming is hotter than everyone else’s global warming, but feels much better…. and is also good for drying out body fungus of all varieties.

COS News: World Updates 8.2.09

Unemployed Are Giving Up All Their Remaining Money to Aid The Economy

Tens of thousands of unemployed workers are giving up their last dollar, partly to aid the economy and partly to appease the ‘Tea Parties’ and the numbers in this ‘Unemployed and Impoverished for America Movement’ are expected to soar in the months to come.

Cash For Couches Program Declared a Success

New-couch shoppers appear to have already snapped up all the $1 billion that Congress appropriated for the “cash for couches” program, leading the Unemployment Division of the Labor Department to tell the president to stop offering the rebates.

Dinosaurs Remains Found in Iraq After 65 Million Years

Marines in Iraq found the remains of a dinosaur, that died in the opening hours after a comet strike, which was followed by an ice age. The military denies trying to replicate this technology.

White House Points to %&?Whack Economic Revival

Top economic officials of the Obama administration gave whack assessments of the American economy, asserting that the national car, a low rider, probably bottomed out over those sick shopping mall speed bumps and could now have a hole in the oil pan.

COS News: World Updates 8.1.09

Health Bill Clears Hurdle, Which Hints at Conspiracy

Landmark legislation approved by a House committee shows the beginnings of a growing political conspiracy to get something passed quickly before more people catch on that so much of their money is going into healthcare and no one knows where it is coming out.

Iran Begins To Force Protesters To Watch Old Media Clips of George W. Bush

Opposition activists stood and watched 4 hours of Bush media clips, speeches, and direct insults in Tehran Saturday after rioting following the results of their own presidential vote.

Troops May Be in Iraq, but Military’s Focus Is Now Halo 3

There are still some 130,000 U.S. troops in Iraq, but with the blood and violence in Iraq winding down it is has lost the attention of the troops.

Democrats Eye (Shh!) Susan Boyle

Democrats are talking about exploiting Susan Boyle (they planted her behind the U.S. flag on the right side of the podium) to skirt any possible Republican filibusters against a health care overhaul.

La Guardia Airport Terminal Is So Bad it Had to Be Evacuated

Passengers walked back toward their cars at the main terminal at LaGuardia Airport after a mass evacuation. A man had entered the building and said, this is ridiculous, we should go to Newark or Long Island or just take a train, and not surprisingly a whole crowd of frustrated people followed him out the door.