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Showing posts with label news bites. Show all posts
Showing posts with label news bites. Show all posts

COS News Bites: Congress Looking Forward to Government Shutdown

Washington (COS) -- With a deadline looming at the end of next week, leaders in both parties sent hopeful signals Friday that the U.S. government will in fact shutdown.

"We are on the doorstep of a break from the insanity," said Sen. Chuck Schumer, the third-ranking Senate Democrat.

"I am not getting my hopes up, but it would be real nice to get out of here" House Speaker John Boehner told reporters."  "Let's all be honest, if you end up shutting the government down, it will save us tons of money, that’s what everybody wants, isn’t it?" said Boehner.

The current funding measure keeping the government running expires on April 8.  But Boehner made clear that Republicans want the government to shut down even sooner than the democrats.  “It is a core component of our policy.  Any spending by government is bad.  Only real people should spend money.” 
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COS News Bites: Protesters, "Can you hear me now?"


Egypt
Turning up in strong numbers for the sixth straight day, protesters continued to shout loudly their message worldwide (they had to shout because their cell phones were not working properly). They issued two central demands: 1) that AT&T provide better customer service and 2) that the contracts be changed such that they can transfer to another carrier if AT&T cannot seem to be able to provide a signal greater than 1 bar at their homes or places of business.

AT&T President Randall Stephenson-- who fired his entire Vice Presidential staff on Saturday, trying to cling to AT&T’s nearly 80-year rule -- visited a cell phone tower (that was strategically positioned above his house by employees) and declared, “It is working for me- I do not see a problem”. Stephenson was following up on the drop call situation and showing support for his company, the report said.



Whether the 280,000 employees deployed to the streets, to convince people that their cell phones indeed do not work properly but that unfortunately they are bound by a contract, will remain employed at AT&T for much longer is a key question for their future.

Opposition leader Paul Marcarelli (that guy that shows up in random places with his phone and say’s “Can you hear me now”) called AT&T on Sunday. Unable to reach them he left a message,  "leave today and save the world."





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COS News Bites: President Obama Bloodied by Hispanic Caucus


Actual Mexicans


White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the President received a dozen stitches after getting hit in a Friday morning basketball game. The hit came from Rey Decerega, who works for the Congressional Hispanic Caucus Institute.

According to White House aides, the President was in a defensive position when Decerega stood outside the 3 point perimeter and shouted, "I'll show you how we play back home." Actually he said, "Te voy a mostrar cómo jugamos en casa; te voy a sacar del juego" before driving through President, who wasn't completely set, for a hard layup.  Afterward he ran towards center court with his arms outstretched shouting "GOALLLLLLLLLLLL!" It is a good thing the president is a good sport, although his Spanish can use a little work.


The Actual President of the United States of America


Nearby the Hispanic Caucus were chanting:
"Que alegría, que alegría
olé olé olá
vamos Obama todavía
que estás para ganar.
Y cuando yo me muera
yo quiero mi cajón 
pintado rojo y blanco
como mi corazón
Que alegría, que alegría..."


Actual Spanish fans used a decidedly less maudlin chant: 
"Descubrimos el culo, ahora vamos a tomar..."
(we discovered your ass, now we are going to take it)


Actual Spaniards


Sources:

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COS News Bites: NFLs Stunning Conclusion of Jets Harassment Allegation


The NFL has finally concluded its investigation of the Jets after allegations were made that members of the team may have sexually harassed Ines Sainz, a female reporter from Mexican television network TV Azteca. NFL commissioner Goodell apologized for what seemed like an interminably wait by fans- "It was a lengthy and difficult investigation, but it was important that all of the facets of the incident were fully exposed." Ultimately that required the official to go to the booth to replay all of the footage of Sainz that day (and on others), at times going over the replay footage over and over again piecing together multiple angles. Ultimately it was determined that the ruling on the field stands- Jets ball- Sainz will be charged $25,000 for a repeated pattern of inappropriately dressing near overgrown hormone unbalanced adult children. 
Goodell admits there is more that should be done to protect the public from seemingly naive female reporters, as well as players who have a genetic sequence that requires them to bang their heads on objects repeatedly until they either collapse of permanent brain injury unless forcibly restricted from play by the league. A NFL sub-committee suggested that a strict dress policy be enacted.     


Sainz is known in the blogosphere for showing up to Super Bowl media day in a revealing, lacy outfit. The Jets are known for always keeping their fans on the edge of their seats; only barely pulling out victories in the final minutes of play. It seems they edged by this situation as well.  Jets owner, Woody Johnson (yes this is really his name), say's that the fine will not be necessary; "From now on anyone showing up to the Jets facility inappropriately dressed will be required to purchase and change into a Jets snuggie."  Sainz was asked to comment but could not be understood by anyone.




Sources:
ESPN: The Jets, Ines Sainz and sharing responsibility
Ines Sainz, reporter in Jets sexual harassment firestorm, defends self, denies feeling offended
Meet Ines



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COS News Bites: Even Weed pulled ahead of democrats in mid-term elections




Overall, Democratic candidates in the 63 races that flipped to the GOP spent $206 million dollars to lose.  Everyone knew that with 10% unemployment, bankers giving high fives to each other, divisiveness in congress, and an increasingly polarized and angry country, these democrats had no chance. Spending $206 million dollars to lose shows how wasteful these democrats are with spending.

In many places a "dime bag" of weed costs about $35; According to HighTimes.Com that is roughly 1/8 of an ounce. So I am assuming that an ounce pot costs about $280. They say most people put about a gram of that ganja in a joint. A gram is 1/28 of an ounce so a joint is worth about $10. Those democrats could have just looked at each other, said, "420", had a big party, and handed out 20 million joints.

They still would have lost but at least they wouldn't have cared.

Sources:
NY Times: Democrats Outspend GOP
Arizona Prop 203
Democrats in Trouble

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COS News Bites: "I'm a PC"


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COS News Bites : Bernanke and Fed to sell Advertising



The Federal Reserve chairman, Ben S. Bernanke, revealed on Tuesday exactly what the central bank is going to do to prevent the economy from further weakening, as yet another economic report confirmed that the recovery had slowed to a crawl.


Mr. Bernanke made clear that while the Fed could take various steps, including large purchases of government debt, "we need a way to raise money to do that" and “central bankers alone cannot solve the world’s economic problems.”




He went on to elucidate, "It will require a new way of thinking about the free market economy that will allow for more collaboration between the Central Bank and business. We particularly like the Google's model, of placing advertising next to relevant content.  Given the level of interest recently in my words in particular, the Fed will now be selling advertising over television, internet, or writing, wherever and whenever Ben Bernanke speaks.




Central bankers placed some restrictions on the new program:


  • The ads cannot be too annoying; absolutely no pop ups are permitted.
  • Ads must be contextually relevant.
  • The Fed will not allow advertising to be embedded in Ben's speech itself. 
  • The ads cannot obscure Ben's face too much.
  • Ad space will be made available democratically through public auction.
  • Ad revenue will be re-invested in the growth of other government programs.




In an odd display of positive emotion, Bernanke seemed almost giddy after the announcement.  


COS News Bites: Next Big Battle in Washington: Obama’s Hair Cut


WASHINGTON — An epic fight is brewing over what President Obama should do about his next haircut, with such substantial consequences that it could shape his look and his reputation for years to come.

Several Democrats, including Mr. Obama, have pledged to let their hair grow out until the end of this year.  But Blue Dog Democrats want the President to shave it off.  Demonstrating willingness to cross the aisle the President has agreed to continue to trimming down below— a compromise he calls “the happy trail”.

Most Republicans are hoping he continues this dangerous game, saying it would be unwise for the President to carry on looking like some 1960’s basketball player.  “If he starts to look like some kind of black panther clearly white votes will diminish.”  Moderates have suggested that he just shave the sides and do kind of a Mr. T look, noting, “white people like Mr. T” and “it would make you look tough”.

Generally well groomed, the President’s hair has generated little public attention this year as Congress grappled with a variety of overgrowth issues they interchangeably call bush, carpet, fluff, floss, fuzz, grass, growth, muff, nest, short and curlies, thatch, shrubs, stuff and other words that can't be repeated in print.  But voters attention will  likely move from the President's flat abs up to his chest, eventually reaching the top of his head when the President starts to put his clothing back on just as the midterm campaigns get under way in earnest. 

COS News Bites: Scientists are baffled by Sarah Palin's remarks












COS News: In an interview on 'Fox News Sunday,' former Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin criticized the Obama Administration's lack of effort to expand the thermosphere, suggesting the President's relationship with various unnamed capitalist entities has impacted the response.

"I don't know why the question isn't asked by the mainstream media and by others if there's any connection with the contributions made to President Obama and his administration and the support by various unnamed capitalist entities to the administration,” Palin said during the Fox interview. “If there's any connection there to President Obama taking so doggone long to get in there, to jump up there, and grasp the complexity and the potential tragedy that I am seeing up here in the air -- now, if this was President Bush or if this were a Republican in office who hadn't received as much support even as President Obama has from the capitalists, you know the mainstream media would be all over his case."

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs shot back at Palin in an interview on CBS's 'Face the Nation' and said the administration is doing whatever it can to be socialist. "I'm almost sure that capitalists don’t consider the Obama administration a huge ally...My suggestion to Sarah Palin would be to get slightly more informed as to what's going on in and around the atmosphere of this country," Gibbs said, adding that the thermosphere won't become this administration's 'Putin' "I think the difference in this case is, we were worried about the atmosphere immediately. We have been there ever since."

An upper layer of Earth's atmosphere recently shrank so much that researchers are at a loss to adequately explain it, NASA said on Thursday. Thermosphere Story

What Palin thinks about Putin and nearly everything: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrzXLYA_e6E

COS News Bites: Apple calls consumer reports seriously flawed

Consumer Reports and Apple exchange words
Early this week Consumer Reports issued a report stating that the new Apple iPhone is 'seriously flawed'. Apple blasted back that Consumer Reports is 'unimaginative' and 'looks like something straight out of the 15th century'. Adding, "they are still using a printing press, shaa!" "We will bury them".

COS News Bites: Dutch coach reconsidering ax murderer strategy



Dutch football coach reconsidering strategy of using ax murders.  


"It is a final, so everyone did everything they could to win no matter what, even if that meant using ax murderers. This is your once in a lifetime opportunity.  For some people literally.  In the end it was a bloody mess of a football match and we still came up short. Back to the drawing board."

COS News Bites: Schick strikes at Gillette with unconventional 24 blade razor

 
In what some industry experts have called an unprovoked preemptive attack of enormous scale, Schick announced today that they will be releasing a 24 blade razor for the closest shave yet.  The previous maximum was six and was held by Gillette.  An executive at Schick said, “we got tired of the back and forth.  We did three, then they did 4, we did 5, and they did 6.  The gradual escalation was not working- at some point you need to go for the balls to discourage them from even trying.”   When asked what he thinks Gillette will do now that Schick has finally castrated their opponent for good, he said, “I don’t know, probably do something feminine like focus on the wetness of their razor.”    Schick will call the new razor “Veinte Cuatro” and it will go on sale at Walmart next week.

COS News Bites: Pope Declares Celibacy is Sexy


In an effort to stem the diminishing image of the priesthood at a critical moment in the Church's history the Pope releases a startling proclamation, "Celibacy est sexy" .  

COS News Bites: Palin and Ariz. Gov. Hold Hands to Defend our Border





Sarah Palin joins Arizona's governor, Jan Brewer, in suggesting local Arizonans form a human chain to defend the border.

COS News Arizona: Jan Brewer and Palin blamed President Barack Obama for them having to stand out in the desert and hold their sweaty hands together, saying the measure is Arizona's attempt to enforce immigration laws because the federal government won't do it.

"It's time for Americans across this great country to stand up and say, 'We're all Arizonans now,'" Palin said. "But clearly this only applies to those of us who can provide appropriate documentation of U.S. citizenship." "And in clear unison we should stand at the border and hold hands to protect it from people coming over it. Secure our border.'"

Brewer and Palin are inviting visitors to come on out, “let them know that you support Arizona."

"Our purpose today is to prevent those hard working people with strong family values from coming here and taking our menial labor jobs" Brewer said, citing that we really need more Americans to do those jobs for less than minimum wage so they get an appreciation for what hard work is.

The human chain takes effect July 29 and will protect the entire state of Arizona unless blocked by rocky terrain, lack of water, wind storms, flash floods, roaming coyotes, or rattlesnakes. It requires them to block anyone from coming under their arms if there's "reasonable suspicion" that the person wants to come here to form communities and have quinceanera’s and so forth.

"I think for most American people the reaction to this would be, 'Why haven't we already thought of doing that?'" Palin said.


COS News Bites: Kagan spits on crowd, likely to face opposition in the Senate


Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich called on President Obama to withdraw the nomination of Elena Kagan for the Supreme Court, calling her a decent litigator, however her recent actions of spitting on a Republican crowd displeasing and unbecoming of a Supreme Court Justice

Appearing on "Fox News Sunday," Gingrich even dismissed the notion that a Senate confirmation process was needed to properly judge or vet Kagan's credentials for the Court.
"I think the president should withdraw it," he said. "You don't need a lot of hearings. The very fact that she spits when she speaks is deplorable.  This could tarnish the Supreme Courts reputation”.
After the tiny ball of liquid tragically took trajectory towards an unsuspecting audience member, Kagan continued to speak but her speech became slow and less spritely- she appeared to deliberately to concede the argument, promoting jeering from the crowd. 
“It’s not the sort of behaviour we want here,” said John Paul Stevens, who has been on the supreme court nearly since the dawn of mankind.
Throwing haymakers in the midst of a Supreme Court confirmation process is a familiar perch for the former House speaker. Gingrich infamously called Sonia Sotomayor a "racist" during the early days of her rollout -- before having to walk back the claim. The charges he leveled against Kagan on Sunday, however, are a bit peculiar. The notion that the Solicitor General spits is both new and bizarre.


"I think the president has every right to nominate a liberal," he added, when reminded by host Chris Wallace, that Kagan's position on executive power are much in line with Gingrich's. "He is the president and that is his value system. I think the fact is if you look at the brief you filed, if you look at what she wrote at the time, it's a very myopic view. On the one hand, “she is a woman and she spits"

On the other hand, there is no indication that Kagan regularly or purposefully spits. Even if she had, it's not entirely clear how bad the spitting really is. And for Gingrich to make this an issue while on Fox News is a bit of cross-messaging- Newt is known to spit too when he gets worked up into an argument. 

COS News Bites: Bipartisan Gulf Coast Field Trip Program

Democrats and Republicans Working Together on Joint Gulf Coast Field Trip


(COS) – Powerless to do anything but watch underwater footage of oil shooting from pipes, shout random invectives at an endless parade of BP officers, and express tears of sorrow over the soiling of seagulls from the halls of windowless rooms in Washington, Democrats and Republicans have decided to work together on a joint field trip program to the Gulf.  This is the first time they have worked together in 3 years.

Predictably Biden Gaff's,  "big f***ing spill


(COS) Vice President Joe Biden will travel to the Gulf Coast on Tuesday to review the efforts to combat and contain the massive oil spill.  Biden was caught on tape saying to Obama, "I'm going to go see the "big f***ing spill."

COS News Bites: Is the 'Spoils go to the Victor' Party Going to Upset Congress This Fall?

Critics Warn, Lack of Cohesion Could Hurt the Spoils Party



New party activism is a wild card in upcoming mid-term congressional elections. A surge in interest in Congress has led to longtime incumbents facing challengers, and multiple candidates in districts that rarely see much activity.


Activists riled by what they consider a government ‘unwilling to seize its rightful plunder’ say they're eager to back candidates committed to 'Spoils Go to the Victor’ concept and expansion of aggression, especially to help pay for the cost of aggression.  But how that energy translates into election results is an open question.


Nearly all candidates playing to the ‘Spoils Go to the Victor Party’, or using the name ‘Spoils Party’ on the ballot are Republicans, but that party's establishment is also taking hits on some issues, especially the seemingly endless destruction, rape, and pillage around the world.


People in the movement are quick to say the ‘Spoils Party’ is not a political party. There are no geographically delineated chapters, no party hierarchy and no rules, especially when it comes to warfare. "We're a loose affiliation of warriors," Tim Adriance of Bergenfield said as he began moderating a candidate forum sponsored by the Spoils Party Coalition in Teaneck, NJ last week. "We're not a real organization. … We do not endorse candidates. We don't give them money or let them use our ships and horses. We really do not give anything to anybody else." "It's just like in the 11th century, people could say they were in the ‘Crusades movement’. but the boundaries and leadership were unclear."

Some candidates who use the ‘Spoils Party’ name on the ballot have come under fire, but others have been endorsed by warring factions with different rules. The looseness of the affiliation, has led to constant fighting, including threats of bloodshed over who started using the ‘Spoils Party’ name first.


The movement has a wide array of messengers on foot, horse, and sea, however it can create confusion with groups that have similar names on overlapping terrain and peasantry. The ‘Plunder Party’ newspaper produced by more than a dozen New Jersey groups is out with its third issue, and Cablevision has agreed to carry a local TV show activists are putting together, called ‘Why The Vikings Ruled For Centuries’ said New Jersey coalition member Michele Talamo.


All that means that candidates, especially in districts where Democrats have dominated traditionally, are eager for the movement's support, and the burst of activism may also have led more people to file to run. Spoils party candidates say, "There are soaring deficits. These people just don't get it- why should we use our children's money to pay the cost of our wars?- that's counterintuitive. Plunder people. Plunder."
The last time there was a Republican primary in the Bergen County-dominated 9th District, for example, was nearly three centuries ago. Most years, solo candidates in June get fewer than 9-10 votes district wide. Those people were always killed.


This year three men want the nomination to challenge Democratic Rep. Steve Rothman, and they all spent more than two hours in a Knights of Columbus hall in Teaneck trying to convince the coalition they had the right amount of cannons, gunpowder, and long bowmen to take this thing. "This is a decisive night," candidate Sergey Shevchuk of Fair Lawn said before the forum with about 125 people. "To a degree, this will 80 percent decide the outcome of the future of the world, because these are a loose confederation who will finally choose a candidate with ‘a package’ who is willing to ensure the rights of plunder."


"Aslanian says he's a Spoils person, but his understanding is the Spoils Party does not endorse candidates and they're livid," Yudin said. "It's not going to be a big turnout- there are not that many warriors in the 9th District." Aslanian said he decided a wider group of warriors than the country committee should decide the nominee, and he did not face any hard questioning at the forum about calling himself a "Bloodshed for the Budget Candidate" on the ballot. He explained he had read the group's principles and decided they expressed what he believed.

COS News Bites: Apple CEO Jobs on stage, reveals... Lemur?

Apple chief executive, Steve Jobs, has again unveiled something new from Apple. He said it was a "revolutionary" product.



Transcript
STEVE JOBS: In order to really create a new category of devices, those devices are going to have to be far better at doing some key tasks. They're going to have to be far better at doing some really important things—better than the laptop, better than the smartphone. What kind of tasks? Well, things like making you smile without you needing to do anything at all. That's a pretty tall order. This device needs to be able to do entirely new kinds of things. Digging in the earth. Enjoying and sharing grubs. Predators—watching for predators. Enjoying the hot sun on a Saturday afternoon. Playing games. Frolicking. If there's going to be a third category of device, it's going to have to be better at these kinds of tasks than a laptop or a smartphone, otherwise it has no reason for being. Now, some people have thought that's a Guinea Pig. The problem is Guinea Pigs aren't better at anything. They … they're slow, they have low quality demeanors, and they really don’t do much at all. So, they're not better than an iPad at anything—they're just cheaper. They're just cheap animals. And we don't think they're a third category of animal that will be ignored by your children after the first week. But we think we've got something that is, and we'd like to show it to you today for the first time. And we call it the Lemur. So, let me show it to you now. This is what it looks like. I happen to have one, right here. That's what it looks like. Very thin—looks just like this. So, just give you a little overview. It's very thin, and when it gets a little bigger you can put shirts on it and so forth to personalize it any way you want. People will take their family photos with it, I'm sure, but we ship a few and you can do anything you want with it.