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Showing posts with label comedy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label comedy. Show all posts

COS News Bites: Congress Looking Forward to Government Shutdown

Washington (COS) -- With a deadline looming at the end of next week, leaders in both parties sent hopeful signals Friday that the U.S. government will in fact shutdown.

"We are on the doorstep of a break from the insanity," said Sen. Chuck Schumer, the third-ranking Senate Democrat.

"I am not getting my hopes up, but it would be real nice to get out of here" House Speaker John Boehner told reporters."  "Let's all be honest, if you end up shutting the government down, it will save us tons of money, that’s what everybody wants, isn’t it?" said Boehner.

The current funding measure keeping the government running expires on April 8.  But Boehner made clear that Republicans want the government to shut down even sooner than the democrats.  “It is a core component of our policy.  Any spending by government is bad.  Only real people should spend money.” 
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Exclusive: Google wipes out irrelevant gmail account messages

 
COMPLAINTS ARE FLOODING IN to Google after some Gmail users woke up to find that their inboxes had been wiped clean of messages.
A number of Gmail forum posters report that their messages. The consensus is that it is a problem on Google's end, with many people deeply concerned because of Google's growing dominance in their lives.

Steph Jane wrote, "I feel something must have gone wrong at Google..., because it sounds like there are so many others like myself who have just lost all their emails within the last few hours."

Google confirmed that there is a problem. Either some lines of code were crossed or it is feared that the Search Engine Bots now have so much computing power that they have decided on their own to eliminate irrelevant and superfluous information that stands in their way. Engineers are busy working on the issue, with the affected accounts disabled.  One Engineer said, "It is best of the irrelevant people just stop emailing all together for now."  Everyone else is advised to print out their emails for back-up, just in case.  It still hasn't been fixed by the time of writing.

The company said the larger concern is that it affected less than 0.08 per cent of the Gmail user base, however they believe the number of inaccurate, irrelevant, misguided, or just plain poorly written emails to be in the billions.  Eric Schmidt was overheard saying, "when things like this happen we always have to look on the bright side, maybe the world is a better place without these emails."

Already a major glitch for Google's cloud technology, this will be a horrendous public relations disaster if most of the world is not allowed to speak anymore. The company is trying to sort this out quickly.
Sources:  Google Wipes Gmail Account Messages

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Exclusive: 8th Grade Math Teacher Finds Major Issues in Government's Employment Homework

The Labor Department reported that the national unemployment rate plunged to 9 percent in January from 9.4 percent in December, the Labor Department said Friday. Yet, the economy only created 36,000 new jobs and in the same report they revised down last years U.S. population and employment estimates by 347,000 and 472,000 respectively. 
Given the level of excitement in the stock market over this "positive improvement in the economy" COS News asked its best (and only) analyst Mike West to review the numbers.  
"I see a problem," West says. 
Going on one of his typical unintelligible rants West continued... "The U.S. population count is estimated to be 306,000,000 and some change.   None of the numbers they are throwing out appear to be within the threshold of any significance. I used a $10 calculator to determine that if you divide 36,000 by the US population it is only .0001, that's only 1/100 of 1%. O.K. let me put it this way, if you had a penny, you would have to chop that penny up into 10,000 pieces to visualize that number. Now imagine that you have one of those pieces in your hand- that is what 36,000 jobs is worth to you."       
Confused, COS News asked Mrs. Connie Kitts, Middle School Math Teacher at Bay Haven Charter School to shed some light on this report.  
"If one of my students turned this muddled report in as their homework, I'd give them a D and tell them, try again." says Mrs Kitts.  "I don't like to be harsh but sometimes you need to send a message."  "I have been teaching for years but it doesn't take an experienced 8th grade math teacher to know that the student either doesn't understand the assignment or they are not trying hard enough."    "If they showed more of their work maybe I could help them," says Kitts.  "Go Bobcats!!!!"



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COS News Bites: Protesters, "Can you hear me now?"


Egypt
Turning up in strong numbers for the sixth straight day, protesters continued to shout loudly their message worldwide (they had to shout because their cell phones were not working properly). They issued two central demands: 1) that AT&T provide better customer service and 2) that the contracts be changed such that they can transfer to another carrier if AT&T cannot seem to be able to provide a signal greater than 1 bar at their homes or places of business.

AT&T President Randall Stephenson-- who fired his entire Vice Presidential staff on Saturday, trying to cling to AT&T’s nearly 80-year rule -- visited a cell phone tower (that was strategically positioned above his house by employees) and declared, “It is working for me- I do not see a problem”. Stephenson was following up on the drop call situation and showing support for his company, the report said.



Whether the 280,000 employees deployed to the streets, to convince people that their cell phones indeed do not work properly but that unfortunately they are bound by a contract, will remain employed at AT&T for much longer is a key question for their future.

Opposition leader Paul Marcarelli (that guy that shows up in random places with his phone and say’s “Can you hear me now”) called AT&T on Sunday. Unable to reach them he left a message,  "leave today and save the world."





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COS News Bites: President Obama Bloodied by Hispanic Caucus


Actual Mexicans


White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the President received a dozen stitches after getting hit in a Friday morning basketball game. The hit came from Rey Decerega, who works for the Congressional Hispanic Caucus Institute.

According to White House aides, the President was in a defensive position when Decerega stood outside the 3 point perimeter and shouted, "I'll show you how we play back home." Actually he said, "Te voy a mostrar cómo jugamos en casa; te voy a sacar del juego" before driving through President, who wasn't completely set, for a hard layup.  Afterward he ran towards center court with his arms outstretched shouting "GOALLLLLLLLLLLL!" It is a good thing the president is a good sport, although his Spanish can use a little work.


The Actual President of the United States of America


Nearby the Hispanic Caucus were chanting:
"Que alegría, que alegría
olé olé olá
vamos Obama todavía
que estás para ganar.
Y cuando yo me muera
yo quiero mi cajón 
pintado rojo y blanco
como mi corazón
Que alegría, que alegría..."


Actual Spanish fans used a decidedly less maudlin chant: 
"Descubrimos el culo, ahora vamos a tomar..."
(we discovered your ass, now we are going to take it)


Actual Spaniards


Sources:

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COS News Exclusive: Squinkies Fever: For Love or For Money


By Mike West
It is part religion, part politics. It is a way to voice a lack of confidence in the central banks of the world and a yearning for the world as it used to be.

It is an investment that makes no sense what-so-ever and yet  they are flying off the shelves while the Federal Reserve frets about the threat of deflation.

It is Squinkies.

Walmart.com has been sold out of them for more than a week, and stores nationwide are sold out or limiting how many Squinkies each person can buy. Like Beanie Babies or Zhu Zhu Pets, the toys are collectible — the hundreds of characters include a Lhasa apso dog and a tiny bride — but they are much cheaper, selling for $10 for a 16-pack.

It is tempting to view the incredibly cheap price of Squinkies, which went below about $10 for a pack of 16 earlier this month and remains close to that level, as a warning of an imminent depression. Such interpretations have fueled critiques of the Fed’s latest round of monetary stimulus as being futile if not a forerunner of a collapse of the dollar.

But I think it reflects first and foremost a dismay at the current state of the world economy, and a conclusion that the elites who are running it do not know what they are doing.

Or, as a friend of mine put it, “You are buying Squinkies because it is the alternative to this collection of stupid politicians around the world.”

It is not easy to have a calm discussion about Squinkies. There are people who all but worship them and there are people who view them as a really cheap trick to play on kids when money is tight.

The problems of 2010 lead everyone to the same conclusion: that the modern monetary system does not work.  Squinkies is the alternative.

You could argue that paying $10 for a Squinkies is absurd, that Squinkies should be worth their value as a commodity rather than seen as a great and perpetual store of love from children. After all, Squinkies will probably be seen as a very bad investment roughly 3 days after Christmas; for some even sooner.  

One advantage of Squinkies, of course, is that they do not deteriorate with age. Squinkies are made of pure foam plastic.  It will take 3 million years for these babies to degrade”, the maker, Bill Nichols, proudly states.



A disadvantage of Squinkies as an investment is that they seem like the type of toy that will slip in between cushions, under coaches, or to fall out of little pockets, also they produce no income. But who cares these days?

Betting that $10 Squinkies will soon be $20 Squinkies or $25 Squinkies is basically a bet that the America really is in permanent decline this time, with millions of people facing the prospect of bankruptcy or sharp reductions in spending on everything from homes, to cars, to even Toys. Or perhaps all of the above.

Let’s hope the bet is wrong.

Sources:


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COS News Bites: NFLs Stunning Conclusion of Jets Harassment Allegation


The NFL has finally concluded its investigation of the Jets after allegations were made that members of the team may have sexually harassed Ines Sainz, a female reporter from Mexican television network TV Azteca. NFL commissioner Goodell apologized for what seemed like an interminably wait by fans- "It was a lengthy and difficult investigation, but it was important that all of the facets of the incident were fully exposed." Ultimately that required the official to go to the booth to replay all of the footage of Sainz that day (and on others), at times going over the replay footage over and over again piecing together multiple angles. Ultimately it was determined that the ruling on the field stands- Jets ball- Sainz will be charged $25,000 for a repeated pattern of inappropriately dressing near overgrown hormone unbalanced adult children. 
Goodell admits there is more that should be done to protect the public from seemingly naive female reporters, as well as players who have a genetic sequence that requires them to bang their heads on objects repeatedly until they either collapse of permanent brain injury unless forcibly restricted from play by the league. A NFL sub-committee suggested that a strict dress policy be enacted.     


Sainz is known in the blogosphere for showing up to Super Bowl media day in a revealing, lacy outfit. The Jets are known for always keeping their fans on the edge of their seats; only barely pulling out victories in the final minutes of play. It seems they edged by this situation as well.  Jets owner, Woody Johnson (yes this is really his name), say's that the fine will not be necessary; "From now on anyone showing up to the Jets facility inappropriately dressed will be required to purchase and change into a Jets snuggie."  Sainz was asked to comment but could not be understood by anyone.




Sources:
ESPN: The Jets, Ines Sainz and sharing responsibility
Ines Sainz, reporter in Jets sexual harassment firestorm, defends self, denies feeling offended
Meet Ines



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COS News Bites: Even Weed pulled ahead of democrats in mid-term elections




Overall, Democratic candidates in the 63 races that flipped to the GOP spent $206 million dollars to lose.  Everyone knew that with 10% unemployment, bankers giving high fives to each other, divisiveness in congress, and an increasingly polarized and angry country, these democrats had no chance. Spending $206 million dollars to lose shows how wasteful these democrats are with spending.

In many places a "dime bag" of weed costs about $35; According to HighTimes.Com that is roughly 1/8 of an ounce. So I am assuming that an ounce pot costs about $280. They say most people put about a gram of that ganja in a joint. A gram is 1/28 of an ounce so a joint is worth about $10. Those democrats could have just looked at each other, said, "420", had a big party, and handed out 20 million joints.

They still would have lost but at least they wouldn't have cared.

Sources:
NY Times: Democrats Outspend GOP
Arizona Prop 203
Democrats in Trouble

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COS News Bites: "I'm a PC"


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COS News Exclusive: Ghost Hunter Scared Shitless by Former Girlfriend

Zak Bagans, of Ghost Adventures, Scared Shitless by Former Girlfriend.

My name is Zak Bagans. I never believed in the stories guys tell about their ex-girlfriends before until it happened to me. So I put a digital recorder on my phone....





Zak: Okay, I hear you!.. I hear you! And I don't think that you're a very nice person because you're-you're not making any sense— Christine...Is that you, not making any noise? Remember when you threw that shoe at me!...But I have no fear of you!...Okay? I have absolutely no fear you!...
Phone Line: static, followed by static
Zak: Holy shit! Holy shit! Oh, my God! Holy shit!...Stooop! Stop!...



Sources: 
The Best of Ghost Adventures

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