COS News Bites: Congress Looking Forward to Government Shutdown

Washington (COS) -- With a deadline looming at the end of next week, leaders in both parties sent hopeful signals Friday that the U.S. government will in fact shutdown.

"We are on the doorstep of a break from the insanity," said Sen. Chuck Schumer, the third-ranking Senate Democrat.

"I am not getting my hopes up, but it would be real nice to get out of here" House Speaker John Boehner told reporters."  "Let's all be honest, if you end up shutting the government down, it will save us tons of money, that’s what everybody wants, isn’t it?" said Boehner.

The current funding measure keeping the government running expires on April 8.  But Boehner made clear that Republicans want the government to shut down even sooner than the democrats.  “It is a core component of our policy.  Any spending by government is bad.  Only real people should spend money.” 

Source:  Signs of Hope as Government Shutdown Looms

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Daily Digest: March 2, 2011

National Geographic Advises Nuclear War to End Brangelina

Rutgers Encourages Students to Have Sex as Much as Possible

United States Regrets Metaphysically Holding Hands With Gaddafi

Gold is Now More Valuable Than Gold - Homes Are Worth Less Than Before

Buffet Looking To Invest in Another Wife

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Exclusive: Google wipes out irrelevant gmail account messages

 

COMPLAINTS ARE FLOODING IN to Google after some Gmail users woke up to find that their inboxes had been wiped clean of messages.

A number of Gmail forum posters report that their messages. The consensus is that it is a problem on Google's end, with many people deeply concerned because of Google's growing dominance in their lives.

Steph Jane wrote, "I feel something must have gone wrong at Google..., because it sounds like there are so many others like myself who have just lost all their emails within the last few hours."

Google confirmed that there is a problem. Either some lines of code were crossed or it is feared that the Search Engine Bots now have so much computing power that they have decided on their own to eliminate irrelevant and superfluous information that stands in their way. Engineers are busy working on the issue, with the affected accounts disabled.  One Engineer said, "It is best of the irrelevant people just stop emailing all together for now."  Everyone else is advised to print out their emails for back-up, just in case.  It still hasn't been fixed by the time of writing.

The company said the larger concern is that it affected less than 0.08 per cent of the Gmail user base, however they believe the number of inaccurate, irrelevant, misguided, or just plain poorly written emails to be in the billions.  Eric Schmidt was overheard saying, "when things like this happen we always have to look on the bright side, maybe the world is a better place without these emails."

Already a major glitch for Google's cloud technology, this will be a horrendous public relations disaster if most of the world is not allowed to speak anymore. The company is trying to sort this out quickly.

Sources:  Google Wipes Gmail Account Messages

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Exclusive: 8th Grade Math Teacher Finds Major Issues in Government's Employment Homework

The Labor Department reported that the national unemployment rate plunged to 9 percent in January from 9.4 percent in December, the Labor Department said Friday. Yet, the economy only created 36,000 new jobs and in the same report they revised down last years U.S. population and employment estimates by 347,000 and 472,000 respectively. 

Given the level of excitement in the stock market over this "positive improvement in the economy" COS News asked its best (and only) analyst Mike West to review the numbers.  

"I see a problem," West says. 

Going on one of his typical unintelligible rants West continued... "The U.S. population count is estimated to be 306,000,000 and some change.   None of the numbers they are throwing out appear to be within the threshold of any significance. I used a $10 calculator to determine that if you divide 36,000 by the US population it is only .0001, that's only 1/100 of 1%. O.K. let me put it this way, if you had a penny, you would have to chop that penny up into 10,000 pieces to visualize that number. Now imagine that you have one of those pieces in your hand- that is what 36,000 jobs is worth to you."       

Confused, COS News asked Mrs. Connie Kitts, Middle School Math Teacher at Bay Haven Charter School to shed some light on this report.  

"If one of my students turned this muddled report in as their homework, I'd give them a D and tell them, try again." says Mrs Kitts.  "I don't like to be harsh but sometimes you need to send a message."  "I have been teaching for years but it doesn't take an experienced 8th grade math teacher to know that the student either doesn't understand the assignment or they are not trying hard enough."    "If they showed more of their work maybe I could help them," says Kitts.  "Go Bobcats!!!!"

Sources:  Unemployment Rate Plunges ,  Jobs Report Offers a Mixed Bag , Mrs Kitts

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COS News Bites: Protesters, "Can you hear me now?"

Egypt

Turning up in strong numbers for the sixth straight day, protesters continued to shout loudly their message worldwide (they had to shout because their cell phones were not working properly). They issued two central demands: 1) that AT&T provide better customer service and 2) that the contracts be changed such that they can transfer to another carrier if AT&T cannot seem to be able to provide a signal greater than 1 bar at their homes or places of business.

AT&T President Randall Stephenson-- who fired his entire Vice Presidential staff on Saturday, trying to cling to AT&T’s nearly 80-year rule -- visited a cell phone tower (that was strategically positioned above his house by employees) and declared, “It is working for me- I do not see a problem”. Stephenson was following up on the drop call situation and showing support for his company, the report said.

Whether the 280,000 employees deployed to the streets, to convince people that their cell phones indeed do not work properly but that unfortunately they are bound by a contract, will remain employed at AT&T for much longer is a key question for their future.

Opposition leader Paul Marcarelli (that guy that shows up in random places with his phone and say’s “Can you hear me now”) called AT&T on Sunday. Unable to reach them he left a message,  "leave today and save the world."

Sources: Protesters in Egypt , The iPhone Effect, AT&T's Signal is Still Spotty, Android Market Share

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Friends of COS: West Say's HR Cost Him 200 Million

Glendale, AZ (Reuters) – Serving as HRIS Manager cost Mike West at least $200 million, the wrestling star turned HR guy with pseudo technology and data orientation told a newspaper in his native Glendale, AZ insisting 'it was more than worth it."

Counting expenses and lost income from acting in reality programs, building web sites, writing children's books, flipping houses, or searching for oil, "in all it is probably more than $200 million," he told Krone when asked how much his 11 years in Human Resources had cost.

"But I'm not sorry. It was more than worth it," he said.

"What was much worse was the damage my time working in Human Resources did to the family. There is a lot there that needs to be repaired," he said, recalling the many Sunday evenings when his wife, Lisa, broke out in tears at his heavy work schedule.

"I hate your job," West quoted his girlfriend, turned fiance, turned wife as saying during his time in Human Resources at Google when he would leave home at 7am and not return until after 8pm.  "She threatened to leave me"

"It was heartbreaking every time when I stayed late to work on HR projects that had good intentions but that were mostly considered by others to be bullshit (if noticed or considered at all)" said West, who has served in Human Resources since 1999. "In my 4th job, I did better. I tried to leave by 5pm every day and almost never worked on the weekends" "but alas after only a year I was laid off from that job so I had to go in search of another."

Sources: loosely similar: http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20110114/pl_nm/us_austria_schwarzenegger

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Otters Attack: A real Otter Attack 911 call transcript

You've seen them at the zoo (in captivity), but you don't know what they are capable of in the wild.  This sounds like something out of a horror movie.  Please be careful out there.


Real 911 Call of Otter Attack  (WARNING: some graphic language is used. )



9-1-1 Call Transcript
CALLER: Venice East Boulevard…Help!!
OPERATOR: What's happening at Venice East Boulevard?
CALLER: There's a man on the ground…an otter..I can't get him off. Hurry please. 
OPERATOR: Sir, I'm going to need the cross street
CALLER: [Inaudible]
OPERATOR: There's a man on the ground?
CALLER: Yes ma'am'
OPERATOR: And someone's doing what?
CALLER: An otter's got him
OPERATOR: Who's got him?
CALLER: An otter!
OPERATOR: An otter?
CALLER: O-T-T-E-R, please hurry! I can't keep him off.
OPERATOR: And it's right in the middle of the street?
CALLER: Yes. You'll see my truck it's got flashers.
OPERATOR: What color is your truck?
CALLER: White. Please hurry.
OPERATOR: And you're blocking the roadway?
CALLER: Right.
OPERATOR: And do you need an ambulance?
CALLER: I imagine so, yes. Ma'am can you please hurry?
OPERATOR: Yes, one second.
CALLER: (speaking to someone with him) Where is he?
OPERATOR: What's your name sir?
CALLER: [Name redacted] Here it comes! Here it comes!
OPERATOR: Where exactly on Venice East are you?
CALLER: A mile west of Center Road.
OPERATOR: And you say he is injured?
CALLER: Yes ma'am.
OPERATOR: What kind of injuries does he have at this time?
CALLER: I don't know. He's being bit by a damn otter. Can you please send someone?
OPERATOR: I already have it to dispatch, now tell me – you said you're west of Center Road. Are you in front of a building?
CALLER: No, no building.
OPERATOR: Are you in front of a lake?
CALLER: No, it's just woods.
OPERATOR: Just woods?
CALLER: Yes.
OPERATOR: You're near a wooded area?
CALLER: Yes ma'am
OPERATOR: There's no address anywhere, no sign? Nothing you can…
CALLER: No. There's not.…Ma'am that little sucker's got him. I can't keep him off.
OPERATOR: And how do you know him? Is he your friend?
CALLER: No, I found him on the ground.
OPERATOR: And the otter's still on him?
CALLER: Yes. I can't see him to get him off.
OPERATOR: Are you right there with him?
CALLER: Yes ma'am. [Inaudible]
OPERATOR: They're already dispatching a unit now. You need to give me the best location information you can. I have west of Center Road near a wooded area. 
CALLER: Two miles…a mile north or a mile east of the wastewater treatment plant.
OPERATOR: A mile north of the water treatment plant?
CALLER: [Inaudible]
OPERATOR: One mile north of the water treatment plant?
CALLER: Water treatment plant
OPERATOR: Tell me what's happening now?
CALLER: Inaudible
OPERATOR: Are you able to help the man at all?
CALLER: Yes. I've got the otter off and quite a bit but not that much.
OPERATOR: What kind of injuries does he have? Is he bleeding? Is he awake?
CALLER: What's that?
OPERATOR: Is he awake?
CALLER: Yes
OPERATOR: What kind of injuries does he have? Anything obvious?
CALLER: [To someone with him] Hey! Hey! Hey!...[to the operator] Yes, there's blood all over him.
OPERATOR: All over what part of his body?
CALLER: All over it [to someone with him} Yes I am. Be careful! Be careful there's an otter in there. We've got to get that otter off.
OPERATOR: I don't you…Listen, I don't want any more injuries. 
CALLER: Look out, he's going to bite the [expletive deleted] out of you? He'll bite the [expletive deleted] out of you.
OPERATOR: How old is the patient?
CALLER: What's that?
OPERATOR: How old would you say the patient is?
CALLER: Inaudible
OPERATOR: What?
CALLER: I'm trying to …inaudible [to someone nearby] I already called an ambulance. Oh, okay.
OPERATOR: Is he a paramedic?
CALLER: No he's not a paramedic. There's one around the corner.
OPERATOR: All right now repeat your name for me. Sir?
CALLER: What's that?
OPERATOR: Repeat it slowly. Your name sir?
CALLER: [To someone with him] No I already got it. He was on the ground laying there as I drove by. That's what I was trying to do. I tried a Snickers on him but it didn't work.
OPERATOR: Sir, what's your name?
CALLER: [To someone with him] I couldn't…yeah
OPERATOR: What's your name sir?
CALLER: [Name redacted]
CALLER: Here come the ambulances
OPERATOR: Flag down the make sure they see you. Go ahead and tell me the phone number you're calling from
CALLER: [Number redacted]
OPERATOR: And what city are you in?
CALLER: Sarasota
OPERATOR: Thank you. Now is the patient still awake?
CALLER: Yes, as far as I know he's still awake, right?
OPERATOR: Is he lying…
CALLER: He's moving. He moved.
OPERATOR: Is he okay?
CALLER: Yeah. He's moving. He's alive. The sirens have now stopped.
OPERATOR: The sirens stopped? Are they there with you?
CALLER: No they're not. I don't even see his lights now. The ambulance…you can't miss my truck.
OPERATOR: OK. They may have turned the sirens off because they're getting near.
CALLER: Okay
OPERATOR: Keep your eyes open. I want you to make sure…
CALLER: I'm getting where I can see right now. You say they are on their way right?
OPERATOR: Yes, the other person that stopped, do they know first aid? Are they…
CALLER: No. But they're calling a paramedic right now that lives around the corner.
OPERATOR: I'll stay on the line to make sure they find you, okay?
CALLER: Okay.
OPERATOR: Now the man that was lying, is he still lying down? Sir? Sir?
CALLER: You just sit still. [caller talking to other people at the scene]
OPERATOR: Tell me what's going on. Sir? Sir? Sir?
CALLER: Hello? 
OPERATOR: Yes.
CALLER: Are you still on the line? Nobody's showed up yet do you know…?
OPERATOR: They're on the way. I want to stay with you until they actually find you.
CALLER: They just asked me…
OPERATOR: How is the patient doing?
CALLER: He's alive. Right. [Inaudible] this animal might have rabies.
OPERATOR: So two people have been bit?
CALLER: Yes ma'am. [caller talking to other people at the scene] I tried yelling at him first, but he's lost a lot of blood. And he's older. And his dentures are out.
OPERATOR: I don't want anybody else going near it.
[Another person gets on the phone]
CALLER2: Nobody's going, the otter is not going to move.
OPERATOR: Okay.
CALLER2: [to someone near him] Calm down please.
OPERATOR: Are you trained in first aid?
CALLER2: No.
OPERATOR: Can you tell me what kind of injuries the patients have? 
CALLER2: He has major lacerations on his hand, on his face. He's lost at least half a pint of blood. I'd have to say in the upper 60s if not older.
OPERATOR: You think he's in his 60s?
CALLER2: Upper 60s.
OPERATOR: Upper 60s. Can you tell me exactly where you are?
CALLER2: I'm on Venice East Boulevard 1/4 mile north…here they are. The police are here. Thank you.
OPERATOR: Bye.


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